Living the Dream - Alone

According to Google, here's what "living alone" looks like:

You're fat and like the feel of the cool tile floor in the summer time

You fall down the stairs and die.
Or like to sleep upside down on the stairs with your hair all messed up.

You are a man who enjoys testing out your romantic date ideas on yourself.

You are a woman who knows that if you want romance, you need to create it for yourself.
And then you pretend to be ok with it.

If you are a woman then you are not worthy to live with anyone because you're a Grandma.

If you are a man then you are so good looking that no one is worthy to live with you.

Smile! Because you are going to be on the next episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive.

Either Google is wrong, or I'm not living alone the right way.
I have never slept on tile, fallen down the stairs, worn a mask in the bath,
had a romantic bath, been an old woman or a ridiculously good looking man -
Sometimes my apartment is messy but so what.

Living alone is not a dream, but here is why it's a dream come true to me:

I look so ugly right now and it doesn't count cause no one can see me.

I'm sitting on my couch right now wearing an old shirt, no pants, and socks.
My hair is in a wet braid that looks like a Mexican slick back mullet rat tail.

No one knows that tonight I got bored when I was sorting out my jewelery...and decided to put some of it on my cat when she was sleeping.

Or that I still have the Craigslist cockroach infested couches sitting outside on my balcony.

I get excited when I can't sleep because I just stay up and look at my Ikea catalog. Nobody knows that I'm wasting my time since I have no money to buy anything in there.
How many times have I looked at it so far this week? 3 - so what.

By far the best part about living alone is this:

I am always the best looking girl in the room. And the skinniest. And the funniest.
But no matter where I am, I am still the funniest.